


Trapped in Reality

by EyeOfMordor



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen, OC, maybe i'll throw in some lister/rimmer, more gonna be the dwarfers being fatherly and protective and cute, not really gonna be much romance in here, since it's my sin ship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-17
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 06:52:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4597026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EyeOfMordor/pseuds/EyeOfMordor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two things Mona Stuart didn't expect to happen; fictional characters appearing in her house in the middle of the night, and for her to be fixing a time drive. Coincidentally, both of these things happened, and with a hangover to make matters worse. But when she suddenly finds herself aboard Starbug, millions of years away from home in an alternate reality, her whole life is thrown off balance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Surprise appearances

You never buy beer, you just rent it.

Those were my thoughts as I plodded down the stairs, making the exhausting two minute trip from the bedroom to the bathroom, cursing the effects that alcohol has on the bladder. A perfectly good sleep ruined by the waking call my body made when it realised that it needed to rid itself of at least two more cans of Tennents.

When I reached the bathroom and flicked the light on, momentarily blinding myself in the process, I let out a sleepy sigh as I sat myself down on the toilet, and let my bladder do its thing. One hand ran itself through my hair, the other rubbed sleep from my eye, before completing the mundane task of the night and sending the nights booze away in a flush.

I was washing my hands in the warm soapy water when a faint buzzing could be heard from outside the bathroom. It didn't sound insect like, it was almost mechanical. Swiftly drying my hands, I opened the door to check on what I presumed was the faulty light bulb from which the noise was emanating from, but instead was met by two rather confused looking fully grown men. There was silence between the three of us, and they looked rather shocked to be finding a nineteen year old girl in her own house.

“Uhhh, Listy where the hell are we?” The taller man said, his appearance looking vaguely familiar to my still rather tipsy state. He was definitely on edge, the way he was holding himself showing confusion rather than fear.

“I don't know, the time machine's on the fritz man,” the shorter, darker skinned one explained. His accent was instantly placeable as Liverpudlian, and he was frantically tapping away at a rather clunky devise in his hands.

“I told you this was a stupid idea, now look what you've gotten us into.”

“Rimmer, you were the one who wanted to come back in order to experience 'ancient earth politics', this was as much your smegging idea as it was mine.”

The tall one was looking at me again, paying no attention to his companion. I was frowning back, quite unsure what to say, and trying to figure out how many seconds it would take me to reach the knife block in the kitchen.

“Lister, I don't she can understand us,” the tall man said, leaning forward a little as he looked at me. His voice turned condescending and his words slowed. “Hello? English? Do you speak-”

“Of course I speak English you twat, now what the hell are you doing in my house.” My voice came out angry, and my hands went to my hips as my accent flared.

“She's Scottish, you smeghead,” the short one exclaimed, elbowing his friend. “We've probably just scared her half to death. Sorry 'bout that.”

“Still doesn't explain why you're in my house,” I replied. The short one looked familiar as well, but my head was hurting and I was too busy trying to understand how they'd appeared outside my bathroom.

“Uh, lets just say time travel aint as easy as you'd think.” The short man was much more relaxed than the other, hand scratching the back of his neck as he looked apologetic. “I'm Lister, by the way. This smeghead here is Rimmer.”

“That's Arnold J Rimmer, second technician, thank you very much.”

It clicked and I burst into laugher.

“What's so funny?” Rimmer said defensively.

“You two, you're not real, this is all a drunken dream,” I explained. “You're fucking characters from a TV show, I'm dreaming.”

“I can assure you, you aint dreaming,” Lister said, trying to calm me down. He was handling the situation much better than the hologram on his left.

“Well then what else explains this? You two aren't real, you're fictional characters,” I shrugged. “I've clearly had too much to drink at the party and as a consequence I'm now dreaming. A shame I didn't dream Cat in, he's my favourite character.”

“You are _not dreaming,_ we're real,” Rimmer tried again, his tone serious. He put his hand out towards me, motioning forward. “Look, touch me, I'm as real as a hologram can be.”

My laughing stopped as I tentatively walked forward. I hoped it was a dream; at least that way I could just wake up and not have to deal with having two  _Red Dwarf_ characters in my house. I poked at Rimmer's palm with my index finger, and when I felt solid flesh I could feel my stomach twist. I poked at his arm in a similar way, Lister offering his own hand encase a second opinion was needed. I simply backed off a few paces, speechless.

“Are you okay?” Lister asked softly, clearly taking in my expression.

“You can't be real. It's impossible,” I stated flatly. “I'm dreaming.”

“This wouldn't be the first alternate reality we've come across,” Lister shrugged. “Honestly I'm not all that surprised anymore.”

“Did you say we're part of a TV show?” Rimmer questioned, his curiosity evident.

“Yeah, called  _Red Dwarf,_ been going for a good few decades now. Started off in the late 80's and just kept going, became a bit of a cult hit,” I explained, trying to keep my calm.

“And what's this show about, exactly?” Rimmer leaned forward slightly as he voiced his new question.

“It's like a sitcom, I guess, following you four through space after Lister woke up from stasis. The polymorph, pleasure GELF, Rimmerworld, they're all episodes.”

“And who are we played by?” Lister ponders. “Just some random actors?”

“I mean, yeah they're actors, but they look exactly like you. Well, except they've aged more than you guys have I guess. Chris Barrie was pretty cute in his younger days, not gonna lie.”

“I bet he played me,” Lister grinned with a chuckle. He awaited the response, but all I did was shoot a brief glance at Rimmer before the hologram broke into a smug grin. Lister's laughing died down quite quickly.

“Smegging hell, really?” he sighed. “What about me? I'm the one with the charm.”

“Don't worry, you were cute too,” I said, unable to stop the bubble of laughter that came at his reaction. “But I'm afraid it was Rimsey here who was the general sex appeal of the show. Especially after that one episode where he was topless and oiled up.”

“I'm liking this universe more by the second.” Rimmer said, his grin widening as he turned to his bunkmate.

“Smeg off,” Lister sighed, his frustration causing me to laugh even more. He glared at me for a brief moment but something in his eyes told me that he couldn't really be mad at me after appearing in my house unannounced. “So how come the time machine brought us to an alternate universe?”

“We probably accidentally passed through a dimension rip as we were travelling here, not only taking us back in time but back in time _in an alternate reality_ ,” Rimmer suggested, before looking around my house a bit. “What year are we in?”

“2015,” I answered, and they both looked rather intrigued at their surroundings. “Do, uh, do you guys want anything? Tea, coffee? Hell, I've got left over flat lager if you're really desperate.”

Lister was about to volunteer himself to help me get rid of my leftover booze, but Rimmer cut him off before he could say anything. “I'll have a tea, and so will he.” All the Liverpudlian could do was curse at the hologram under his breath.

“Sure, how do you guys take it? And feel free to make yourself at home in the living room,” I said, padding through to the kitchen and flicking on the kettle. Lister yelled for lots of sugar, while Rimmer was just milk, and as I was putting the drinks together I heard the soft clacking of the cat flap being used.

“Hey there buddy,” I cooed, as my cat purred affectionately at my feet. As I took the mugs through the feline followed, sniffing at the two strangers.

“This is Napoleon,” I explained, handing them each their drinks. “Napoleon, meet the fictional-yet somehow real- characters of _Red Dwarf._

“You called your cat Napoleon?” Rimmer asked, his interest peaked. “After the infamous French military and political leader Napoleon Bonaparte?”

“Nah,” I replied with a shrug. “Napoleon Dynamite; the film.”

Rimmer looked away with a sigh of disappointment, as Lister simply laughed and proceeded to pick the fluffy white animal up and pet him lovingly. “If only Cat were here, it'd be like seeing a fossil,” he grinned, as Napoleon purred happily at the attention he was getting. Rimmer just sipped his tea while prodding at the machine previously in Lister's hands.

“You having any luck?” I asked the hologram tentatively, seeing his exasperated expression.

“Not one smegging bit,” he sighed, pausing to drink from his mug. “There's probably not even sufficient technology here to fix it.”

“You once made it back to the ship using eight lemons, I think you'll manage,” I quip with a chuckle, but my comment only leaves them both looking at me confused. “Oh, yeah, you haven't done that yet. Never mind.”

Rimmer looked as if he was going to ask more about previously mentioned lemons but Lister cut him off. “So this show, what's it like? Is it good?” he asked, still petting the ball of fluff on his lap.

“Yeah, it's a comedy show, really funny,” I nodded. “Like, imagine a sci-fi sitcom with varying quality of special effects, and that's the show. Got some really funny moments in it, filmed in front of a live audience for the effect of a laugh track. We can watch the first episode of it if you want?”

“Is that a good idea? Time paradoxes and all that sorta stuff?” he paused, looking slightly concerned.

“I mean, you've already experienced it, so I doubt it'll do much harm,” I shrugged, grabbing the season one dvd off the shelf and slotting it into the tv. The title screen appeared, along with the theme song, causing both of them to look simultaneously intrigued and confused. The episode began, showcasing some classic odd-couple chemistry between the two characters, and they both looked a little bemused to be watching their own actions on tv, accompanied by transitions and audience laughter..

“This is really freaky,” Lister mumbled, while Rimmer's brow was knitted together in thought. “It's weird, it looks like Red Dwarf but you can just _tell_ it isn't.” It continued like this for the next twentyfive-ish minutes, with Rimmer frowning more and more every time the audience laughed at something he said.

“That wasn't even funny, I was being serious,” I heard him mumble on numerous occasions, while I just sat there and petted the cat that had moved onto my lap. Rewatching the first episode brought back fond memories of my mum showing me what would turn out to be one of my favourite comedies for the first time. I was sceptical at first, worried that it'd turn into a sexist macho-fest of a 'mans comedy', but much to my relief it was almost the opposite. Whenever there was a female involved in the plot, it was true that it was more than likely that some character would try to lust over her, but it was never met with reciprocation, and usually scolding from at least one other crew member. Plus, the inclusion of multiple black characters was refreshing, especially when race was never even brought up as a plot point.

By the time the episode was up, both of them seemed tense, Rimmer more so than Lister. “That's our lives. Our entire time in space, the arguments and the fights and the struggles, it's all recorded for people to laugh at,” he sighed, turning to look at me. “I don't know how to feel about it all, it seems like a breach of privacy.”

“True, but nobody here – save me now I guess – knows you're real,” I shrugged, trying to be comforting. “As far as the viewers know, you lot are just very funny, very well written characters.”

“You were such a smeghead back then,” Lister laughed, easing the tense atmosphere. “Glad to see nothing's changed.”

“You really think I haven't changed?” Rimmer asked, seeming quite hurt by his friend's comment. I looked at Lister and saw another witty remark coming out his mouth, and so I stepped in to save the poor hologram's feelings.

“You've definitely changed, you've matured a lot since then,” I voiced, making both of them look my way. “It's pretty subtle, through the entire ten seasons, but if you were to watch the first ever episode with the most recent episode, there is a big change in your character. Both of you, in fact. Rimmer, you're more mature and less petty, if be it still rather annoying. You've learnt to let go of the expectations held to you, and you don't let them define you anymore. Lister, you've been through a lot, stuff that I can't talk about because it hasn't actually happened to you yet, but you stick through it and come out on the other side happy with your friends."

My little speech over, I returned to scratching Napoleons chin, pretending not to notice their thoughtful gazes. Lister was the first to speak; “I'm liking you more and more,” he grinned. “Never caught your name though.”

“Mona Stuart,” I told him, to which he gave a little nod.

“Well, Miss Stuart, it's certainly nice to know that I'm not still the smegpot I just watched,” Rimmer announced, giving me a small yet kind smile. _Yes, you've definitely grown, Rimmer._

“My pleasure,” I smiled back, before thinking of the situation my guests were in. “You two can crash here for as long as you want, my girlfriend's out of town for the next two months so it's just me in the house.”

Lister looked to Rimmer for a silent second opinion, and when his superior officer nodded back he turned to me with a smile. “Thanks a bunch, you're fab,” he said, as Rimmer put the device down on the coffee table with a sigh.

“I can give you both my bed, and I can sleep in my girlfriend's bed,” I offered. I could tell by the look on Rimmer's face that he was going to ask why exactly my girlfriend and I had separate rooms if we were living together, and I just chuckled nervously. “She's not come out to her parents yet, you see, so we gotta have a spare room in order to keep up appearances.” They both gave me a sympathetic look, but I just shrugged. “I guess the world is much more tolerant where you guys come from. We'll get there one day.”

“So one of us takes your bed, the other takes the sofa?” Rimmer asked, trying to divert the conversation to a less sombre topic.

“Well, I'd more call it the spare bed considering it's almost never slept in but - wait, sofa? Why not just sleep in the same bed?” I laughed.

“Because Lister is a slobbering chimp who I have no wish to share sleeping arrangement's with,” Rimmer retorted rather quickly, and I let out a laugh at his outburst.

“Okay, okay, calm down princess,” I grinned, Lister joining in on the laughter. “You can have the sofa, Lister can get the bed.” I stood up with a stretch, placing Napoleon onto Lister's lap while I walked to the hallway cupboard and grabbed the spare duvet and pillow.

“How come I get the sofa?” Rimmer complained, before I launched the pillow straight at his face. It hit with reasonable force, and I internally thanked Legion for the hard-light upgrade.

“Because you're the one complaining,” Lister said rather matter of factly, laughing at the shocked expression from when pillow hit flesh. “I'm a rather cuddly sleeper, thank you very much.”

“You two are as insufferable as each other,” Rimmer frowned, his kind expression from earlier gone and replaced with one of annoyance. Lister and I simply continued to laugh, and I could tell that Rimmer thought he was going to get away from all of this. Not so, _miladdo._

“Well, I'm gonna head off to bed, which is actually where I was before you two arrived here. I'll go grab you both something to sleep in,” I explained with a yawn. Now that the initial shock had died down I was beginning to feel the effects of the late night. I nipped upstairs to the my room aka the spare room, and found two oversized tshirts and some boxers that belonged to an old boyfriend of mine, returning down the stairs to throw them at the men. “Help yourself to food in the kitchen, there's spare blankets in the cupboard in the hall if you need them. I likely won't be awake till the afternoon tomorrow, and with a hangover no less, so do me a favour and try not to be too noisy.”

“Will do,” Lister agreed, and Rimmer simply nodded. The latter's gaze briefly went to the complete red dwarf box set that currently sat on my shelf, and I picked it up along with my cat.

“Sorry boys, but this is coming with me,” I said, motioning towards the dvd's. “It's too dangerous for you two to get future information.”

Rimmer sighed and Lister just shrugged, before I waved them good night and headed into the bed that Alice and I shared. It was weird not having her there, I missed her already and it'd only been four days since she'd left. I supposed having fictional characters around would help quell the boredom.

I was asleep in moments, easily forgetting the odd appearance of the two men downstairs for a good nights sleep. Well, it was good until I woke up.

 


	2. Assistance needed

My head was pounding as soon as I opened my eyes, screwing them shut a second later. I let out a loud groan and tried to grasp any sort of concious thought, which ended up being _Lister better not have burnt the kitchen down._

Fifteen minutes and a lot of mental self-persuasion later, I appeared down the stairs wrapped in my own duvet, ignoring the odd look I got from Rimmer when I walked into the living room.

“Morning,” he said politely, looking at me from his seat on the sofa, prodding at the machine once again.

I simply waved a hello back, too hungover to form words, and was about to go looking for Lister when he appeared holding a plate out to me.

“Here, this'll cure ya,” he grinned, hanging me a sandwich. I took hold of the plate and tentatively looked at the filling, unsurprised by what I found.

“Of course you made me a chilli chutney sandwich,” I sighed, smiling a little as I looked up at the man. “I don't know what else I should have expected.”

“You sure that's a good idea, giving her something like that?” Rimmer questioned. “The last thing I want to deal with is 2015's emergency services.”

“You've had one, it works,” Lister shrugged, turning his attention back to me. “I thought you'd need it this morning.”

“Thanks man, I appreciate it,” I smiled, touched by his little act of kindness. Both were in anticipation, and so I took a large bite to quell their curiosity. At first it was like an assault on my tastebuds, but after a few chews it began to taste quite pleasant. I could tell he'd used mango chutney – the only kind I had in my fridge – and it was a nice mixture with the eggs and sauce. Lister was smiling at my reaction.

“What do ya think?” he asked eagerly.

“Not bad at all, Lister,” I said, nodding my head a little. “Although I don't suppose you could be a dear and make me a cuppa tea, could ya?”

“I'm on it, no problem,” he smiled. “What do you take?”

“Just milk, please. Thanks man, I owe you one.” As Lister disappeared back towards the kitchen Rimmer only stared at me in surprise as I devoured another huge chunk of the hangover cure.

“You seem to like it a lot more than I did,” he mumbled, to which I just shrugged and smiled.

“Lister's cooking cant be that bad, can it?” I questioned with a mouth full of food. Rimmer only shook his head.

“I honestly thought his blood would have turned to curry sauce by now at the rate he eats that stuff, it's a wonder he's still alive,” he said, eyebrows raised. “I'm just thankful we have Kryten to cook things that are actually edible.”

“My cookin's delicious,” Lister yelled from the kitchen, in clear opposition on Rimmer's remarks.

“You're certainly good at curing hangovers,” I assured him, just as he reappeared and handed me a mug. I took a small sip and let out a content hum. “Aww man, you're too good to me.”

“Anything I can do to help. Especially since Rimsey's having no luck with the time drive,” he shrugs, clearly happy that his kind acts are appreciated. He probably doesn't get much of that on the ship.

“You try fixing a piece of tech you've never used before,” Rimmer snapped, glaring up at Lister.

“Maybe you should have thought about that before you took us here then,” Lister quipped back, and I knew this wasn't going to end well for my headache.

“This was your plan, you smegging idiot, don't put the blame on me.”

“What was it you said? It'll be fine, Lister, perfectly safe, no problem. You can't even work the damn thing.”

“Yes I damn well can.”

“Then why are we in 2015 Scotland instead of ancient Rome?”

“It's just technical difficulties, your primitive brain wouldn't understand!”

“You're the one who's primitive. You trying to fix that, or smash it to bits?”

“ _Enough!_ ” I yelled, wincing in pain as my head throbbed. “If you two are going to bicker like children I'll put you in separate rooms. You two are grown ass men, and while you may not get along that doesn't mean you shouldn't at least be civil to each other. Arguing will not get you back any damn faster!”

There was thick silence after I shouted, both of them looking at me rather sheepishly. I just sighed, tried to calm down, and took another bite of the sandwich.

“Sorry,” Rimmer mumbled, continuing to prod at the machine. “I don't suppose you've got a screwdriver anywhere?”

“Second drawer on the left in the kitchen,” I said, sounding exasperated. He just nodded and stood up, while Lister took a seat.

“Sorry 'bout that,” he apologised, sounding sincere. “I know we shouldn't let our frustration get the best of it, it's just hard sometimes.”

“Yeah, I know, [I](mailto:I@ve)'ve seen the show,” I nodded, accepting his apology. “To be honest, it's that odd couple relationship you two have that acts at the driving comedic force.”

“You make it sound like we're married,” Lister laughed in mock disgust, loud enough so that he didn't hear me mumble _I wish_ under my breath.

“It's kinda cute though; you both hate each other's guts, and you annoy each other to no end, but you really do care for each other deep down,” I laughed, grinning at him.

“All of that except the last bit was completely correct,” he assured me, rolling his eyes. “The only way he's cute is if he's been switched off.”

“So you say,” I shrugged with a knowing grin, finishing off the chilli chutney sandwich. “You know, when you described this on the show I really didn't expect it to taste this good.”

“It's a work of art,” Lister exclaimed, pressing his fingers together and kissing them in a gesture to his amazing culinary skills. “Your head feel any better?”

“Yeah, a little,” I nodded, downing the rest of my tea before receding into my duvet. “I shower would probably help, but I'm too lazy. Plus I'm at that stage of 'I can't see my girlfriend for two months' that makes me want to hibernate.”

“Where is she?” Lister asked, chuckling at my complaining.

“She's in Berlin, part of the foreign languages course at university,” I explained. “She's gonna become a translator, probably for the European Union or some other political organisation.”

“Sounds pretty interesting, I was never a fan of languages at school. Came bottom in French this once, my gran went mental at the head teacher,” he recalled, and I laughed despite already having heard the story. It was so different, having him there in front of me, telling me these funny stories. My laughter was all genuine, and so was his. “She'll be back before you know it, and then you can give her a big smooch to welcome her home.”

“You're such an old man,” I cackle, eyes screwing shut in laughter.

“Oi, I'm not that old!” he said defensibly, not a drop of malice in his voice. “I'm still in my prime!”

“Yeah yeah, keep telling yourself that,” Rimmer butts in, reappearing with a screwdriver. “The only thing you're prime for is cremation.”

Rimmer's comment has me laughing even more, and he grins smugly at Lister as he reclaims his seat at the other end of the sofa. “Do you want a hand?” I ask through giggles, “I did a novice engineering course back in school. I can remember most of it.”

He looked hesitant at first, but then with a sigh held the screwdriver out in my direction. I managed to sit up from the armchair, duvet still wrapped around me, and place myself on the sofa between the two men. The odd rectangular box sat on my lap, and I carefully unscrewed the panels to reveal the wires inside.

“You've just got a few loose wires, that's all,” I said, nimbly reattaching them and tightening some screws. “I just do this and-”

“Wait, don't-”

“Rimmer did you-”

Both of them grabbed a side of the box simultaneously, just as I attached the last cable. Each tried to speak, both in raised voices with a sense of panic, but they were cut off by silence and a bright white light. I squinted momentarily, trying to see, and suddenly I fell to the ground with a thud.

When I opened my eyes my stomach dropped at my surroundings. I was on the floor, clutching to the duvet with one hand as the men at either side of me groaned in pain, and the entire room had a green hue. It smelt weird too, distinctly of rubber, metal, and oil. When I turned to Lister with a horrified look on my face, he was simply smiling.

“Mona you did it, you got us back!” he cheered, before noticing me. “You all right?

“I'm on Starbug aren't I,” I asked, my voice a whisper. “I'm millions of years in the future in deep space. Please tell me you can send me back.”

“Yeah, don't worry about it, we've got the time drive,” Lister assured me, a caring hand going to my shoulder. “It's okay, we'll get ya home.”

I was shaking, even through the thick duvet I knew Lister could see it. I let go of the machine in my hand, letting it softly thud to the ground, as I took deep breaths. “What's wrong with her?” Rimmer asked as I tried to keep calm.

“I think she's having a panic attack, or something along those lines,” he said, his voice devoid of all humour, replaced with concern. “Mona, just take deep breaths for me, that's it. You're okay, you're safe here, and we're gonna get you back to your dimension as soon as possible. I promise, you're okay, just keep taking deep breaths. Rimmer, go get Kryten. Fill him in on the situation.”

Rimmer nodded at the request, pleasantly surprised to see the more caring, responsible side of Lister. He sped off to the cockpit, while Lister kept talking to me in as calm a voice as he could manage. “Mona, look at me,” he said, sitting in front of me now with his hands at both my shoulders for assurance. “You're safe, okay? She's a sturdy girl, this ship, and she's gonna keep us all perfectly fine, okay?”

I nodded as best I could, feeling my heartbeat slow a little as I tried not to focus on the negatives of the situation. However that proved quite difficult, considering that the almost the entire situation itself was a negative. When I heard a door slide open, it became harder and harder to breathe, and in seconds I was gasping for breath. It felt like the oxygen was being torn from my lungs, and black spots dotted my vision. I could hear Lister's voice, loud and panicked as I clutched to his arms, but the pain in my chest made it impossible to make out any words. Images became blurry, my thoughts purely on Alice as I made one last gasp for air, and fainted.

 

\---***---

 

When I opened my eyes again my surroundings hadn't changed, save for a few new bodies standing around. The face I recognised as Kryten's was peering over me from my left, while the others stood back a bit. “Ah, Miss Stuart, you've awoken,” he said kindly. “You had a panic attack when you first arrived aboard, but I assure you now that everything is fine.”

I sat up, noticing that I was lain on top of my duvet, with half of it pulled over to keep me warm. When I looked at the other figures Rimmer was frowning, Lister smiling, and Cat simply gave me a wave.

“How're ya feeling,” Lister asked, walking forwards and squatting so he was at my height. He had nothing but care in his features as he looked at me, still worried for my condition.

“A lot better, thanks,” I said, propping myself up a little more so I could sit properly. “Sorry about that, I haven't had a panic attack in years. Guess the shock just brought it on.”

“No need to apologise, Miss,” Kryten assured. “Mr Rimmer and Mr Lister have informed us of your origins, and rest assured we'll return you safe and sound.”

When I smiled at the droid he seemed rather pleased with his work, both he and Lister helping me stand up. My head ached a little, but I put it down to the thankfully lessening hangover, and glanced at the one person I hadn't actually talked to yet.

“Hey, I'm Mona,” I said to Cat with a nervous smile. I honestly had no idea how he'd react to me.

“Hey there little lady, how's it hangin?” he grinned back, friendlier than I expected. “You gave us quite the fright there, glad you're okay. Old goalpost head over here was fretting all over the place.”

Rimmer looked sufficiently embarrassed by the feline's comment, and I just turned to him with raised eyebrows. “Aww, Rimmer, I didn't know you had a heart,” I mocked, causing laughter from Lister.

“See, she knows him already,” he gleamed, clearly proud of me. My own laughter came easily, and I could feel myself relaxing in the presence of these people. Rimmer simply huffed, but I give him a genuine smile of thanks.

“Miss Stuart, would you like to follow me, and I can escort you to some private quarters,” Kryten said, supporting me on my arm. “There you can freshen up using the shower facilities, if you choose to do so.”

“But shouldn't I be getting back home?” I asked, trying to keep my nerves from giving me another panic attack.

“Don't worry, there will be plenty of time for that once you've showered,” Rimmer said, waving me off as Kryten led me down green tinted hallways. I tried to ask something else, but when the droid started talking about food and drink my attention was averted elsewhere.

 

\---***---

 

“We've got to tell her, Listy,” Rimmer scolded his friend, once he was sure Mona was out of earshot.

“She'd just have another panic attack, we can't do that to the poor kid,” he mumbled.

“I hate to agree with him, but Mr Smeg-For-Brains is right,” Cat admitted, almost apologetically. “We can't keep it from her forever.”

“Just let her calm down a little, get cleaned up, she'll feel a lot better,” Lister sighed, knowing fully well that they were both right. “Then I'll tell her, give her the news nice and easy so as not to upset her.”

“Well, make sure she's clear of any blunt objects when you tell her,” the hologram warned. “She's likely to hit you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments are greatly appreciated, I'm always eager to see what people like and dislike about my writing.


	3. The truth hurts

A shower was exactly what I needed to calm the nerves. Once Kryten had shown me to the spare quarters and left me in order to search for some clothes, I jumped at the chance to do something soothing. The warm water managed to wash away the last remnants of my panic attack, and when I stepped out with a towel wrapped about me I was greeted to a pile of clothes in various sizes, presumably left by the previously mentioned mechanoid.

I ended up in a man's shirt that was far too big for me, but very comfortable, and a pair of ripped denim jeans that seemed to fit just perfectly. Also left for me was a hot bowl of soup and a cup of coffee, but since my appetite was lacking I picked up the hot mug and left the room, trying to find my way to the others. The ship was a fair size, big enough to be impressive to me, but luckily not big enough to get lost on. I managed to find the four of them, sitting at a large table outside the cockpit area, all of them looking rather glum.

“Hey guys,” I greeted, coming down the metal stairs, and instantly their expressions changed.

“Ah, hello Miss Stuart,” Kryten said, the first to respond. “I take it the clothes I left you were sufficient?”

“Yeah, they were perfect, thanks,” I nodded, hesitantly taking a seat. I trusted these people, but the setting was still alien to me, and I felt rather out of place.

“How're you feeling?” Rimmer asked me, probably picking up on my fairly obvious body language.

“Um, good, the shower helped a lot, so does this,” I said, motioning to the coffee and taking a sip. “I guess it's all still a little surreal to me, this whole thing. I could handle it when I was in my house, but to think that I'm in space – actually in _space –_ it almost seems crazy.”

“You'll get used to it kid, don't worry,” Lister assured me, flashing me a warm smile before he looked to Cat. “We were gonna give you a tour of the ship, what do ya say?”

“That sounds great actually, I've never even been on a plane let alone a spaceship,” I said, excitement growing where worry once was. “And why do you call me 'kid', I'm nineteen.”

“Yeah, but you're still a kid compared to the rest of us,” he grinned, before patting Cat on the back and standing up. “Now come on, there's lots to see.”

“Whatever you say old man,” I laughed with a roll of my eyes, Cat and I following after him. I took my coffee with me, sipping at it and trying not to choke as the pair told stories of their adventures, mostly involving poor Rimmer.

 

\---***---

 

“It just doesn't sit right with me, sir,” Kryten admitted, letting out a guilty sigh. “It's not fair lying to her.”

“I know, I know,” Rimmer agreed, his own guilt weighing heavy. “But we need to wait till she's okay, otherwise god only knows what the news'll do to her.”

“But surely keeping the truth from her longer will only make it worse when you tell her,” Kryten said, concerned. “Sir, the most logical thing to do is simply tell her as soon as possible and-”

“Yes, I know, but that's not what we're doing, so _shut it!_ ” Rimmer snapped. “This is all Listy's fault, if he hadn't wanted to go back we'd never be in this mess.”

“Sir, please, anger will not help the situat-”

“Shut it Kryten, they're coming back.”

 

\---***---

  
“And Rimmer really left you floating in space with the curries for a month?” I asked through my fits of laughter.

“You should have seen him when we finally picked him up again, he wanted to strangle the hologram so bad that he had to switch to soft light for a full week,” Cat added, fuelling my laughter further.

“I'm not surprised,” I admitted, much to Lister's amusement. “Serves the smeghead right I guess.”

“You hear that, _Rimsey,_ she's on my side,” Lister announced gleefully as we passed through the rec area, the three of us heading towards the cockpit. Both Rimmer and Kryten had rather concerned expressions on their faces, but I was too interested in where I was being lead to take much notice. We passed by them quickly, soon ending up in front of the command consoles, and I sat down in awe.

Out in front of me was space, pure space, vast and silent and breathtaking. I could see stars twinkling both in the distance and nearby, tiny balls of burning gas that dotted the endless expanse of darkness, and that left me feeling ultimately small. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before, the sight of nothingness that for some reason left me exhilarated. “It's fantastic,” I breathed out, as Lister smiled and Cat took the seat to my right. “It makes me feel impossibly unimportant yet infinitely limitless.”

“Aint nothing like the rush you get the first time you see it,” Lister agreed, standing behind me and gazing out with me. “It wears off eventually, but there's some times where you can still feel a sliver of that feeling go through ya.”

“This is your life, it's insane,” I murmured. “I want to reach out and touch it.”

“Ain't nothing to touch but stars and darkness,” Cat remarked, but not unkindly. “Still, it sure is a beauty.”

“I'd never want to leave space if I were you,” I admitted, and suddenly the air got very tense in the cockpit. “Sorry, I know you want to get back to earth, I shouldn't have said that.”

“No, no, that's not it,” Lister shook his head, glancing at Cat momentarily. “It's just that... well... the thing is-”

“Are you three done with the tour?” Rimmer asked rather dismissively, walking in and seeing me. “Why is she sitting in that seat? That position is for licensed shuttle operators only.”

“I was just showing her the view, smeghead,” Lister gritted, the previous conversation forgotten about. “But yeah, we're done with the tour.”

“Good, I wanted to show her some of my antiques,” the hologram stated, and I instantly cringed.

“As much as I appreciate the thought, I'll decline,” I said, trying not to hurt his feelings. “Aint my thing I'm afraid.”

“I'm sure you'd enjoy them if you just gave it a chance.”

“Leave her be, she said she doesn't want to,” Cat said angrily. “Besides, I'm gonna show her my collection of matching suits.”

“Uh, I don't think I'd enjoy that either-” I tried to say, before being interrupted by Kryten.

“I was going to take Miss Stuart down to laundry and see what she thought of my ironing,” the mechanoid announced.

“Um, I'd rather not-”

“Kryten, she is coming with me. It'll be educational for her.”

“Guys, I just-”

“Shut it goalpost head, the only thing she'll learn from that is how boring you are. She's gonna come with me.”

“Can you not-”

“And I suppose your wardrobe is much different? No, she'd much rather join me in-”

“ _GUYS!_ ”

My shout rang through the cockpit, and they all turned to see me, arms crossed, Lister in a similar position beside me. “Will you lot stop bickering over me as if I'm some new toy you've picked up? Have any of you considered that I wont want to go with _any of you,_ that maybe I can make my own decisions instead of having a set of grown men squabble over what I do?”

There was a tight silence for a good few moments in the small space we all stood in, before I let out a few choice curses and walked briskly out of the cockpit and towards my quarters at the other end of the ship. I could hear shouts from behind me as soon as I'd left the room, but I was too angry to care as I stormed through the green corridors, needing to get away from them all. When I reached my quarters I closed the door behind me, slotted in one of the videos Lister had supplied me with, and settled down on the bed. The title screen for _Lesbian Alien Hunters_ showed, and I thought to myself that I'd rather be in that reality than this one.

The film was just as bad as I'd anticipated, but it served it's purpose in taking my mind off the idiotic men who I'd left standing in the cockpit. About three quarters of the way through I heard a knock at the door, and when I gave no reply they knocked again.

“I've got a bowl of cold soup in here and I will throw it at you if you come in here,” I threatened, pausing the movie.

“Well that's not very mature, is it?” I heard Rimmer's voice reply, before the sound of him being hit by someone else.

“I thought I'd adjust my behaviour to match your own,” I threw back, about to return my attention to the movie.

“Mona, we're sorry, we really are,” Lister pleaded, with what sounded like honest conviction. “Can we come in and apologise?”

“And who is 'we'?”

“All four of us, we all want to make it up to you.”

I paused for a moment before replying with a sigh. “Fine, come in.” I sat up on the bed as they all entered. They stood in a line, some looking more guilty than others, but all regretful nonetheless. Lister was the first to speak.

“We've all been idiotic, we've been treating you like a child or a shiny new toy,” he says, hands behind his back. “We should have treated you like you deserve; someone who can handle themselves and is intelligent enough to know what she wants.”

“We're all deeply sorry Miss Stuart.”

“He's right, little lady, I've been a rather rude feline.”

“I'm sorry, Mona, really.”

“Wait,” I interjected, “Lister, what have you got to apologise for? You've been nothing but caring since you appeared in my house.”

“For not telling you the truth when I should have,” he said, looking down at his shoes, and instantly I could feel my stomach drop in fear.

“Tell me what?” I said quietly, almost too scared to ask.

“The time drive, it still works, but we can't get it back to the alternate dimension you came from. The dimension rip moved, healed itself.” Lister's words were solemn and sombre.

“What?”

“I'm sorry Miss Stuart, we tried to find a way, but with an infinite number of alternate realities it would be impossible to find another rip that leads to the same reality you came from,” Kryten added, his words eliciting panic with every second.

“Since when did you know this,” I asked in what was almost a whisper, trying desperately to contain myself.

“Since you fainted, when you first arrived.” It's Rimmer who spoke this time. “We wanted to wait till you had calmed down to tell you, but we should have told you as soon as you walked into the rec room.”

“I'm stuck here. I'm never going to get back home. I'm never going to see Alice again. I'm never going to see anyone ever again except _your stupid faces!_ ” My steady voice turned volatile rapidly, as I pushed myself up off the bed and raced towards the table. I grabbed the bowl of soup with one hand and hurled it at the four of them, most of it landing on Lister and Rimmer. “Get out, all of you! Get the fuck out of my sight!”

They made a hasty retreat, all except Lister who lingered in the doorway. “Mona, please, you gotta understand, we were waiting for your own good and-”

“I'm stuck here because of you, you and that damned hologram pissing around with a time machine,” I cried, tears starting to run hot down my cheeks. “If you had never appeared in my house I wouldn't be on this damned ship in the middle of fucking deep space, with no way to get home!”

“Please, I just-”

“Get out! Get out you irresponsible fucker!”

Lister ducked the video I threw his way, before running off with the rest of them. I locked the door as soon as they were gone, kicking and pounding the wall as I screamed my throat raw. The immense doom that seemed to come crashing down on me came out in my violence, my eyes blurry with angry tears. I would never seen any of my family, my friends, the fucking love of my life ever again, all because the two idiots were stupid enough to mess around with a time machine. And I had been stupid enough to help them repair it.

My anger flowed from them, to me, and to them again, back and forth until the pristine white walls of my quarters were scuffed and bloody. I was enraged, upset, distraught, and lost. Lost in a world I was never supposed to be in.

I don't know how long it took for me to waste all my energy, but by the time I collapsed on the bed I couldn't open my right fist at all, and the other was dripping blood. I was in a mixture of pain and exhaustion, managing to cry myself to sleep as the sobs that raked my body subsided to low, silent tears.

 


	4. Coping mechanisms

I tried four times to get back to sleep once I'd first awoken, but despite my best efforts my red puffy eyes prevented me from any further escape.

There were green puddles of soup scattered around the doorway, with the bowl lying on it's side not far from where it'd landed. I didn't know what time it was, I didn't care, I just knew that tensions would be high as soon as I laid eyes upon one of the crew members. I was still in the clothes from before, the shirt now creased and crinkled from sleep, but I lacked any motivation to change, or any ability to care. When I looked down at my hands I could see the damage done, scabbing having started to form over most of my knuckles. My right hand hurt to use, while the left just throbbed steadily, and I knew that I'd need to find some antiseptic for my wounds.

It took me a few minutes to calm down and swallow my pride, but luckily I didn't bump into anyone on the way to the medical area I'd been shown to on the tour. I was sifting through a large box of small bottles when hurried footsteps were heard approaching me.

“Mona, Mona!” Rimmer was calling, seemingly searching for me, and when he saw me he uttered a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank god, we've been looking all over for you.”

“Why, afraid I'd launched myself out of an airlock?” I replied bitterly, not even looking at him. I finally found a bottle labelled antiseptic, and claimed it with my better hand.

“We saw the marks on your walls, we were scared something bad had happened,” he admitted, his voice sounding different to normal. It sounded more raw.

“And being stuck millions of years away from home in an alternate reality _isnt_ a bad thing?”

“Health wise, we meant. We were afraid you'd hurt yourself badly,” he sighed, looking to my hands. They were still speckled with dried blood, and I winced as I tried to unscrew the bottle lid. “Please, let me help.”

“I think you've done enough to help already,” I spat, turning to glare at him. I gripped the bottle as much as I could without dropping it in pain and managed to take off the lid this time, ignoring him as I soaked cotton wool in the cold liquid and applied it to the first cut. It stung much more than I'd anticipated, and I could feel myself willing the tears in my eyes to withold. Rimmer simply stood there in the silence, watching me apply the wad to each cut, pausing to soak a new one when the other was stained red. He looked like he was struggling for words.

“Mona, we're really sorry, honesty,” he pleaded with me eventually. “If we knew what would happen we would never have involved you, we never wanted to hurt you.”

“Well looks like that plan went well.”

“I know you're upset – more than upset, really – and I can't imagine how you're feeling, but please try to understand that we didn't intend for this.”

“Of course I know you didn't intend for it! You're good people, I know that!”

As my concentration snapped and I turned to face him, I could see the regret in his features. His eyes were wide an his brow furrowed, and all I could do was let out a sigh. “I know you never planned for any of this, I'm just pissed off because it _happened._ Out of all the infinite possibilities, this one had to happen to me. It's Sod's Law, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm helpless, out of place, and there is not a single thing I can do to get myself home. I'm out of my league here, Rimmer.”

Rather awkwardly, he slowly paced forward and put his arms around me in a hug. I'm sure he had best intentions of being comforting, but it just managed to highlight his inexperience with the matter.

“Please, don't,” I protested quietly, and he respectfully obliged. I wasn't in the mood for human contact or hugging it out yet. “I'm still mad, I'm just finding it difficult not to direct my anger at people who didn't really do anything.”

“Like the wall?”

“The wall was the first target I saw,” I shrugged, looking to my hands. “I think I've broken something through, I can't really open my right hand.”

“You want me to go get Kryten? He'll be able to fix you up.”

As much as I wanted to be left alone, I knew that I needed someone who knew what they were doing to look at my hand, and it was likely the only person who did was the mechanoid. So I nodded my head, before adding “and only Kryten.”

A few minutes later both appeared, Kryten uttering profuse apologies before I told him to shut up about it. He worked in silence while Rimmer disappeared again, gently moving my hand under a small device that he claimed was an x-ray machine. Just as I'd predicted, I'd cracked a few bones, although nothing that would leave serious permanent damage. Kyrten worked swiftly through the silence, wrapping my left hand in bandages and putting my right in a support, and finishing off with an assurance that both hands would be fine as long as they experienced no further strain. That made punching walls a no-go.

“You're free to return to your quarters now, Miss Stuart,” he said, probably sensing my discomfort. “Although the other crew members would very much like to apologise for the whole mess of a situation.”

“I know Kyrten, but I think I just need some time alone for a while. I need to get my head straight,” I explained, standing up and heading for the door. “Tell them I'm okay though.”

“Of course, Miss Stuart,” he nodded as I left the room. When I got back into my quarters it smelt faintly of cleaning products, and there was no longer blood stains on the walls or soup on the floor. A small note lay on my table, reading:

_Thought I'd clean up a bit for you. Hope you're okay, we're all worrying about you like old men – Lister._

The note managed to elicit a small chuckle, before I folded it up and slotted it into my jeans pocket and sat myself down on the bed. I was still tired and slightly groggy, but knew that I needed to actually think about my problem instead of simply sleeping through it. Fingers on temples, I tried to think of a way to be optimistic about the whole situation. Emphasis on 'tried'.

 

\---***---

 

It took me a solid hour to work myself up into going to the rec area. I knew that's where they'd be, likely trying to figure out how to send me home, and I was right. They didn't notice my presence at first, but as I cleared my throat all eyes were on me.

“Mona,” Lister smiled, clearly happy to see me alive and well.

“Okay, I've done a lot of thinking over the past few hours, and I think I'm finally in a clear enough head space where I can handle this whole thing,” I started, making my words clear and calm. “As Lister and Rimmer probably explained, I have knowledge of some of your stories through the tv show in my universe, and therefore I've come to the conclusion that there's possibly a few events that are still due to happen that may make it so that I'm able to get back to my own time and reality. However as this is future knowledge, none of you can know about it.”

They all nodded, and so I continued. “I'd also like to apologise for my outburst earlier. Not for my reaction, I can't apologise for that, but for how I vented my anger at you when what happened was in no way intentional. I'm sorry for the language I used, and for throwing soup at you.”

“Don't worry about it, I probably would have done the same,” Lister commented, and I smiled in thanks but continued talking.

“I'm still getting to grips with the whole 'I'm in space' thing, but I think I'm adjusting to it, albeit slowly. As you'd expect, I have no idea how any of this stuff works apart from what the show explained, so I don't know how useful I'll be around the ship, but I'll try my best in helping Kryten with simple stuff, and maybe some engine repairs if I manage to remember anything from college. Also; I know that three of you here have male reproductive organs, and that you probably haven't seen a woman in quite some time, but I'm one, taken, and two, not in the slightest bit interested, so I'd appreciate if the comments were kept PG, yeah?”

“Of course,” Rimmer agreed, all of them nodding along. “Scout's honour.”

“Okay, now that I've got that all out of the way, can someone please give me a hug before I start crying again?”

Lister was out of his chair in seconds. His warm frame wrapped around my shoulders, one hand softly patting my back. “We'll get you home kid, I promise,” he murmured quietly, his tone gentle and caring.

“I know,” I whispered back, feeling myself hugging him tightly. I could tell that he really cared, and that alone meant a lot in what was my current situation. When he let go he looked to my hands with a frown.

“I'm fine, don't worry about it,” I told him, trying to shrug it off. “Kryten patched me up, just a few cracked bones and cuts.”

“I'm sorry we made you do that,” he mumbled, looking ashamed.

“Lister, if you blame yourself for _me_ punching the wall then the next thing I punch will be you. Guaranteed.”

“Okay, okay, give your fists a rest before beating me up.”

“No promises.”

The fact that I was able to easily laugh with Lister again gave me the tiny bit of confidence I needed, telling me that even if I was stuck in space, it could be a lot worse. I could be with utter assholes instead.

“You want a coffee?” Cat asked, pouring some into a cup.

“Coffee sounds great,” I nodded, thankfully taking hold of the mug with my left hand and relishing in the warmth. “Quick question: how do you guys go about setting times? Since you can't really abide by earth's times since you're millions of years away.”

“We just operate on a twenty four hour system, its what our bodies seem to handle the easiest, especially for Rimmer and I,” Lister explains as we both take a seat. “Right now it's around nine pm, our time.”

“I was beginning to wonder,” I said with a nod, confirming that I understood. “When do you want me to take shifts?”

“Shifts? Mona, we're not expecting you to work or anything it's fine,” Rimmer interjects.

“I said I'd help in any way I can, and I mean it,” I said. “Teach me how to work the basic controls and I can take shifts doing basic watches, or even operating scanners or _something._ If I'm going to be stuck on this ship then I may as well be useful.”

“I could teach you how to use some of the medical equipment,” Kryten suggested, to which I gave a nod.

“ And I can tell you how to fly the ship if you'd like,” Cat added, with a rather excited grin. I thought he'd like the idea of a  protégé. “You can learn to smell from the master.”

“And you know a few things about engineering, you said? We could probably set you to work with fixing the pipes and checking the engines,” Lister nodded, seeing a small smile grow on my face.

“If she wants to fly this thing then she has to pass the operational test,” Rimmer butted in, but I just shrugged.

“I've done exams and driving tests, I'll be fine,” I said, sipping at my coffee. “Just... give me a few days to get adjusted to things, okay, and then I'll be happy to help.”

“Take as long as you need, Miss Stuart,” Kryten nodded, as Lister continued to grin. He looked so relived to see that I was okay, and also to see that I was coping with the situation.

“So, what do you guys wanna do?” I asked. “I need an activity that  _isn't_ sitting around and staring into space for five hours straight.”

“There's the AR suite?” Lister posed, and I immediately nodded. We had the Oculus Rift in 2015, but if the shows depiction of Artificial Reality was real then that was nothing compared to what I was about to experience.

Without much hesitation we made our way to the suite, with Lister stopping by his bunk room to grab what he claimed was a book of cheats. He handed it to me as we sat down in the individual seats, a cunning grin on his face.

“You wanna play wingman? I was gonna ask Kryten, but since you're here...” he proposed.

“Of course you need me to help you get laid,” I scoffed, rolling my eyes. “I'll take you up on that offer, it'll be fun.”

“Fantastic,” he exclaimed, pressing a few buttons on the console in front of me. The headpiece came down, putting me slightly on edge at first, but I blinked and was suddenly in a lush field, with the sun beating down on me. Looking down I saw myself in a lightweight tunic and breeches, complete with a sword hanging by my belt and the cheat book in my hands.

“Holy shit,” I breathed in amazement.

“It's good, ain't it,” Lister chuckled as he appeared beside me, wearing a similar outfit and carrying a helmet topped with a feather.

“This is so freaky, it feels real,” I agreed, looking around. “I feel like I'm back on earth,”

“Nah, trust me, this is better than earth,” he said, leading the way toward a crowd of people in the distance. “Earth doesn't have people as gorgeous as the queen.”

“You'd better be careful I don't use the cheats to win her for myself.”

“I thought you were taken?”

“I'm not going to bang her,” I scoffed, laughing at his reaction. “I think we'd have a nice chat about how amusing it is letting her husband think he has all the power.”

“Girls are terrifying when they get together,” he mumbled, as we began to hear trumpets coming from the crowd.

“It's a talent, we're rather good at it,” I chuckled, before looking to him briefly and dashing off ahead of him. “Keep up old man, first come first served!”

“You're gonna be the death of me, kid,” I heard him call after me, his footsteps speeding up as mine did the same.

 


	5. Home for breakfast

I remembered much of what was about to happen in front of me, but as I was flicking through the cheatbook to find the ones most likely to win Lister a day and night in the Queen's tent I noticed a few that the show had never mentioned. Grinning to myself, I turned to face him as he readied his steed.

“Use this one, it'll be hilarious,” I said, pointing to the open page.

“You sure? I was gonna use the steedcheat one,” he asked sceptically.

“Trust me, this'll be much better,” I assured him, to which he simply shrugged, nodded his head, and got on his horse.

The trumpets sounded for the joust to begin, and both Lister and his competitor took their positions on either side of the field. I glanced briefly at the King, his features revealing just how uncertain he was, while the Queen looked rather pleased. I supposed she won no matter what the outcome.

“Come on Lister, do it for House Smeg!” I cheered, earning a few glares from onlooker NPC's. Both horses started galloping, swiftly gaining speed, and I was waiting eagerly to see the outcome of my cheat choice.

I couldn't hear Lister from where I stood, but when horse and rider suddenly swapped places, the poor knight buckling under the creature's weight, I knew he'd used it. I broke out into laughter along with the rest of the crowd, as one swipe of Lister's sword sent his opponents head flying rather unrealistically – I saw that game physics were still a challenge – onto the King's lap. He looked mortified, while his wife simply smiled.

As Lister demounted and removed his helm, the two of us shared a high five of victory before he claimed his reward. He led the queen away courteously, while the King stood up with a key in his hand. He was about to threaten Lister, taunt him that he would not succeed in claiming his wife, but I did him a favour and called out a cheat of my own.

“Cheat 2; Chastity cheat!” I yelled before the King could even begin talking. The Queen paused for a moment, wriggled around slightly, before walking onwards and leaving her chastity belt behind on the ground. I turned to the King with a smug grin. “To be fair mate, if you're keeping a belt on a woman as if she belongs to you, it's no surprise that she's looking for someone else. Treat her with a bit more respect, yeah?”

The fool was flabbergasted to say the least, but I simply walked off with a smug grin on my face, heading towards the now shaking tent. The King was rambling on about Lister doing the honourable thing, but I knew that'd never happen, and so I simply glanced at the cheatbook before raising my voice once more.

“Cheat 3; Poultry cheat,” I called, and a few seconds later the King had become a rather flustered chicken. The crowd laughed at his humiliation, and I returned my attention to the tent.

“Anyone got any whipped cream?” Lister joked, poking his head out through the entrance flap.

“Just get on with it, lover boy,” I laughed, pushing his head back inside. I could hear giggles and laughs coming from within, but I knew it wouldn't last long. _I know how this episode goes. Any second now..._

The tent disappeared, along with all the NPC's, leaving Lister on the ground in confusion, wearing only his undergarments.

“What the smeg?” he cried in frustration. “What's going on?”

“Power failure, or something like that,” I informed him, trying to stay vauge. A few moments later I blinked and no longer saw lush green fields, but now the dim lighting of the AR suite. I could hear the siren going off in the background, and Lister started to panic.

“Are we under attack?” he asked frantically, disconnecting himself and his crotch from the machine.

“No idea, lets go find out,” I shrugged. I needed to stay calm, I knew it could be one of the few ways I could escape this reality.

We followed the sounds of yelling all the way to the cockpit, where Rimmer and Cat were frantically trying to get the ship under control. “What's going on?” Lister yelled as we ran in.

“Power drain, it's sapped everything!” Rimmer shouted in reply, just as panicked.

“Cause?”

“An object of such power and charisma that it's flappin all the grids!” Cat said. “At first I thought it was me, but turns out it's some kind of craft dimension jumping.”

Kryten asked if they had any ID for the ship, and when Rimmer voiced his distaste for Ace and his hope that it was not in fact his alternate reality self, I struggled to hold back a smile. Poor man.

Cat opened communication channels, and lo and behold there he was, luscious hair and all. Rimmer started banging his head on the controls, while the others all smiled in glee. He was complimenting Cat's suit, making witty analogies, everything you'd expect Ace Rimmer to do. Expect I knew it wasn't really Ace.

“Who's the lady in the back?” he questioned once he'd finished buttering up the feline. I was standing in the doorway, and let out a small wave.

“That's Mona, it's a long story,” Lister explained, “we'll tell ya when you come onboard.”

Rimmer let out a quiet “please god no” while Ace thanked us all and got ready for docking. I silently hoped that this would be the man to help me out.

 

\---***---

 

It didn't take me long to realise how much I'd underestimated Ace's charm. He practically oozed it, along with style, charisma, and just general likeability. He'd shook my hand like a gentleman, sat patiently as we explained the situation, and expressed his sympathies about my position. I desperately wanted to ask him if he could help me home, but I knew he needed to talk with Rimmer first. As he walked off, requesting his counterpart to join him – an offer the smeg head of course declined – I knew I'd have to simply be patient. Ace had more important matters to deal with.

“Rimmer, if your ass isn't tailing his in the next five seconds I will personally swallow your light bee,” I threatened, joining the others in their persuasion. “Go.”

“Oh all right, I'm going,” he relinquished with a huff, off to follow his double. I gave it a few minutes before following him myself, telling the others that I was just making sure he went. They didn't need to know my other motives.

I stood outside the door to my – and presumably now Ace's – quarters, listening to the hero explain to Rimmer that he wanted him to take over the legacy. It broke my heart to hear what Rimmer was saying, that he wasn't good enough to be the next Ace, his own self doubt was one of his greatest flaws. Footsteps got closer, and I quickly hid in the corner to avoid him seeing me as he briskly walked out. With the coast clear, I walked into the room.

“Oh, why hey there Miss Mona,” Ace said, trying to hide his pain and remain stoic.

“Dude, I told you about the show, I already know that you're dying,” I told him, sitting down at the end of the bed. “And I know that you're not really the original Ace Rimmer.”

“Ah,” he sighed, looking away for a moment.

“Look, I know this isn't the best of times, and I'm probably being pretty selfish, but I need to know if your ship can take me home,” I asked.

Ace paused for a good few moments, letting out a sigh or two before looking back to me. “Honestly kiddo, I don't think so. You saw what my computer's like, keeps making calculation errors,” he admitted, looking regretful. “And it's got no way of determining which dimension it's jumping to.”

I let out a loud sigh of my own, trying not to be too worked up over possibility number one being a failure. “It's fine, I've got other options – I hope.”

“I really am sorry, I'd help you if I could, but unfortunately my current condition seems to be rather restricting.”

“Dude, you're dying, I should be the one saying I'm sorry,” I assured him with a light chuckle. “I see you talked to Rimmer.”

“He has to do it, it's his destiny.”

“Don't worry, he'll come around. I might go have a chat with him and get it into that thick skull that he is actually of some importance in this wide universe. He needs to know he's not useless.”

“I'd appreciate it,” Ace smiled, before groaning in pain.

“Is there anything I can get you?” I asked hesitantly, trying to help in any way I could.

“I'll be fine, don't worry about me kiddo.”

“You're as bad as Lister, with the whole 'kiddo' thing.”

“You've still got your whole life ahead of you Mona, take it as a compliment.”

“Yeah, what a life I have being stuck here,” I sighed, before realising I'd probably just made him feel more guilty. “I'll be fine, really, there's plenty of other options.”

“I hope you find home, I really do. It's something we can take for granted. Plus, you've got a fair lady waiting for you when you return.”

I let out an amused giggle. “If all goes well Alice wont even know I've been gone.”

“You're intelligent and quick, I know that you'll find your way home,” Ace assured me, smiling slightly, as he lifted himself up and patted me on the shoulder. “You'll go far.”

“Thanks man, that means a lot coming from someone like you,” I admitted, genuinely touched. I pressed a thankful and caring kiss to his cheek, before standing back up again. “I'll go talk to Rimmer, see what I can do.”

“Thank you, Mona,” he nodded as I started walking out of the room.

“Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast,” I jested with a mock salute, earning myself a low chuckle from the man himself as I walked out. If Rimmer could become him, then anything was possible.

I found the afore mentioned hologram in his quarters, with Lister thankfully not to be found. “You and I need to have a talk,” I announced, walking in without invitation. He simply sighed from his bunk and sat up, looking at me rather distastefully.

“What do you want? Has that floppy haired bafoon sent you?” he nipped.

“No actually, I came of my own accord. Because honestly Rimmer, you need to stop doubting yourself.”

He tried to reply but nothing came back for lack of words, and so I continued on. “Listen to me, you are not the worthless smeghead you think you are. Yes, you have flaws, yes, you are rather anally retentive, but like I said back on earth you're _grown._ Becoming Ace is not something the Rimmer of five years ago would have done, but you can. You have to let go of this overwhelming mix of ego and self hatred, because you do not deserve it.”

“But I do, I'm a coward. There is no way I could ever become Ace.”

“Rimmer, you do. You do become Ace, I've seen it. You realise that you are worth so much more than you let yourself believe.”

“Really? I become the next Ace?”

“Yes, like all the other Rimmer's before you.” I moved to sit at the end of his bunk, putting a hand on his shoulder in much the way Ace had done to me only minutes ago. “You have so much potential, Arnold Rimmer, and you need to get out there and grab it by the horns.”

“You really think I could do it?” he asked in a soft and defenceless voice. His eyes were wide in confusion.

“I know you can,” I smiled back.”If it makes you feel any better, I'll let you in on a secret; Lister misses you so much once you leave.”

“No way.”

“I'm not kidding, he really does. In fact-” I paused to lean in so to whisper, “he has a dream where you return, hug, and the two of you kiss.”

Nothing could have prepared me for Rimmer's reaction. I was expecting either great shock or violent disgust, but instead I was met with a wide grin and watery eyes.

“He really does care,” he chuckled, before I hugged him round the side.

“Yes you idiot, of course he does. You two are practically married.”

“He dreams about _kissing me?_ I never knew Lister swung that way.”

“If I were stuck in deep space with only companions of the same gender, I'd certainly go more than a little gay,” I laughed.

“Tell me about it.”

Rimmer's last comment made me pause for a few moments, hesitant to ask my next question. “Rimmer, are you... well, lets just say not straight?”

“I mean, maybe?” he shrugged, genuinely sounding confused. “I never really thought about it to be honest, not until I was dead and stuck on Red Dwarf. Things just started to change.”

“I wouldn't have thought something like sexuality was that big of a deal in the future.”

“It's not really, but you know what old family values are like, how hard they are to extinguish. Even if they are rather toxic.”

“So you think you're... bisexual? Is that even still a relevant term anymore?”

“I really have no idea, I don't know what I'd call myself. Sometimes I think one thing, then the next moment, another.”

“Rimmer, I honestly wouldn't worry about labelling yourself. You're 3 million years away from earth, with three friends who you know are not going to be judgemental no matter what; just say you're attracted to whoever you're attracted to,” I shrugged, trying to give him good advice. “Just learn to be happy with who you are, it'll get a lot easier after that.”

“You know, for a nineteen year old you give really good advice,” he said with a sigh.

“I've been through the whole thing of questioning your sexuality, being attracted to lots of different genders,” I simply shrugged. “It's something I've experienced for myself.”

There is a soft silence between the two of us, and I know Rimmer is trying to process a lot of rather life changing information. I just hoped that him letting go of all these insecurities about himself would do him to world of good.

“Look, in the end this is your choice. No one else can decide this for you, you've got to do it yourself,” I said quietly, standing up. “I'll leave you to think stuff over for a bit, but trust me Rimmer, you can do it.”

I left the room without a reply, feeling that one was not needed, and let out a small sigh as I made my way back to the rec area. I just hoped that my words had gotten through to him.

 

\---***---

 

I knew of Lister's plan with the knights costume, and so decided to stay out of it as much as possible. It was something he and Rimmer needed to do. Instead I spent some time with Cat, just generally getting to know each other. Turned out we got on quite well, sharing a similar sense of humour if not a similar fashion taste. Still, I had to admit that the feline had style.

I tried to stay away from Ace, I didn't want to grow fond of someone knowing that they'd soon be dead. Plus, he had enough on his plate trying to train Rimmer. I'd seen him storming off from the AR suite once, cursing his inability to do what Ace did.

When it came to approximately twelve hours since Ace had arrived, I knew he would soon be gone. I was spending time with Cat, and so when he and Kryten decided to go check up on their favourite hero, I walked with them knowing that he'd momentarily passed away. I was right; when we got to his quarters only Rimmer was left, dressed as Ace, with Lister appearing a few moments later to explain the situation and cover for him.

I was invited to the funeral of course, even I felt rather out of place having not known Ace that long. But Lister insisted, saying that it'd be a good help for Rimmer, and I couldn't deny him that. The service was short, similar to the show, but when Kryten asked for Lister I instead stood up.

“Is it okay if I say something first?” I pressed.

 “Go for it,” Lister smiled, patting my back on the way up. I stood there, looking from Cat, who seemed a little surprised, to Rimmer, who's eyes looked heartfelt. Smiling at the hologram, I began my eulogy of my own.

 "I didn't know Rimmer very long, only a few days in fact, but that was enough time to know what kind of a person he was,” I began. “He was very much like one of these plants, that start of as these ugly little bulbs that you plant under the ground. They don't have the best start in life, with a dark and uncomfortable environment, with people always questioning if they'll ever turn into anything good. But given the right conditions, and the right amount of love and care, and they can grow into something magnificent. Rimmer was like that; he grew into something amazing.”

I walked back to my seat next to Rimmer, and I heard a very faint and sincere 'Thank you' come from him as I returned. Next to speak was Lister, praising Rimmer in the way only he would.

“And finally this; when Rimmer originally died aboard Red Dwarf, Holly brought him back as a hologram to keep me sane,” Lister said in his last few words. “Never an easy task. He succeeded spectacularly, and for this accomplishment we award him this. Kryten, place _first officer_ Rimmer's decoration into the coffin.”

I could feel Rimmer well up beside me, trying to keep himself together. As the coffin was sent out into space and we all saluted, I dearly hoped that he realised now how much these guys actually cared for him.

 


	6. Miracle kid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a teeny tiny bit of Lister/Rimmer in here cause I'm a sucker for my sin ship

After the funeral was dispersed Cat and Kryten had gone off in their separate directions, probably still trying take in the thought that Rimmer was gone. Rimmer – dressed as Ace of course – similarly wandered off on his own for different reasons, trying to find somewhere quiet to think while Lister and I were left standing around the rec area.

“You think he's gonna do it?” he asked me, arms crossed with a sigh.

“He will, he has to,” I nodded. I was still debating with myself what was best; for me to alter the timeline in hope of creating more circumstances to get me home, or to try and change it as little as possible in order to keep events I already knew the same. The latter gave me the best chance of staying ahead of the game, but it also limited my options, especially now that Ace was gone.

“We'd better go have a talk with him, he's probably sitting in the cockpit,” he announced.

“I think it'd be better if it was just you two.”

“Nah man, the dude listens to you for some weird reason. I think it's cause you put up with his complaining.”

“Be nice to the poor man,” I chided, before following him in our search for Rimmer. Sure enough he sat there in the cockpit, watching the tiny capsule that contained his dead predecessor shoot off into space. Lister gave him a silent look as he started piloting the ship to follow the coffin, and I watched in what was frankly awe and fear as it took us through a wormhole of sorts. When we arrived at the other side all of us were made speechless by what we saw. A planet, it's huge purple mass surrounded by a ring comprised entirely of coffins, all of them having taken up the roll of Ace. Again, the show hadn't quite prepared me for what I saw in front of me, and I had to steady myself as we slowly cruised through the sea of floating pods.

“All those Rimmers...” Rimmer breathed in amazement, his eyes darting to all angles.

“They all did it,” Lister observed, staring out in just as much shock as the rest of us. “They all became Ace and passed on their flame.”

“I told you Rimmer, you can do this,” I said softly, patting him on the shoulder as I stood by his side. “Here's your proof right in front of you.”

“Are you really gonna be the one to break the chain?” Lister then added. We both looked to Rimmer for his response. He gulped audibly, glancing to me and then to his best friend, before speaking in a shaky voice.

“I'll do it. I'll become Ace. If they all did it, so can I.”

“That's the spirit man,” Lister grinned, beginning the movements to turn the ship around. Rimmer got out of his seat, seemingly having seen enough, and as he stood tall above me I wrapped my arms around his lanky frame as he did the same to me.

“I knew you could do it,” I murmured, my voice muffled by the golden flight jacket. “But don't become Ace.”

“What?” both he and Lister asked in unison as I let go of the tall man.

“Don't spend your time trying to become some obnoxious, egotistical dickhead, spend your time trying to become you,” I told him, my hand on his arm. “Be Rimmer, not Ace.”

He smiled down at me warmly, an expression I knew didn't often grace his features. He embraced me again, softer this time, using it to silently tell me his thanks. “You're a miracle, Mona, a real miracle.”

 

\---***---

 

It was rather chilly in the docking bay of _Starbug_ , but in all honesty we were all too preoccupied with Rimmer – Ace – leaving to notice the temperature. We all stood in a line, some of us saying goodbye to a famed acquaintance and others saying goodbye to a cherished friend. I was somewhat in the middle of that spectrum.

“It's been a blast fellas,” Rimmer said with a small salute, his voice betraying the fact that he still wasn't used to the accent. I'd sat up with him the previous night when neither of us could sleep, saying lines back and forth in an effort to perfect the act. That, and I think I'd nearly killed him with laugher as I'd put on the wig back to front and marched around my quarters like a pompous twat. It was nice to know that I'd at least shared a few tender, genuine moments with this Rimmer, before he flew off into space.

We all called our goodbyes to him as I waited for him to say the catchphrase. “Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas – or whatever,” he uttered, and I had to contain my sigh. All that practising, and the nerves still got to him. Poor dude. The nerves seemed to continue, as he pressed the wrong button and his seat flew out of the _Wildfire'_ s cockpit, throwing him safely if rather ungracefully to ground.

“Just had to say one last goodbye,” he laughed as he got up, managing to cover for himself. He went down the line, shaking hands with both Kryten and Cat, smiling at them with as much happiness as he could muster. When it next came to me, we wrapped our arms around each other in one last tight embrace, telling each other our thanks.

“You'll go far Mona, keep this lot safe for me, yeah?” he smiled, drawing back from the hug as Cat and Kryten looked rather surprised at the exchange.

“I promise,” I nodded, smiling up at him. “Be the best you can be.”

I expected him to simply hug Lister and utter a simple “see ya Davey-boy” as I'd seen in the show, but when Rimmer clasped him by the shoulders and looked right into the other man's eyes I instantly knew something was different.

“Lister – Dave – you've always been -” Rimmer paused as he struggled to find the words, sweat forming on his brow. “You've always been good to me, in your own way. Take care of yourself, Dave, stay alive for me.”

What happened next was bottom on my list of 'things I expected to witness'. As Lister had tried to reply, with what I'm sure would have been just as genuine and heartfelt, Rimmer had pulled him in to meet the man's lips with his own. Someone gasped behind me, but I just broke into a giant grin as the scene unfolded in front of me. Rimmer's movements were awkward, a little too chaste, and it was no surprise that Lister was rather shocked. I didn't know how sure the latter was of his sexuality, but he didn't recoil so much as go with it, so I presumed he was pretty pleasantly surprised. As they both pulled away the pair stared at each other for a good few seconds before hugging each other as Lister let out a “fucking finally man.”

As Ace promptly got back into his new ship and took off I continued grinning widely, as Cat and Kryten looked to each other for conformation that they'd just seen what they thought they'd seen. Lister was smiling rather contently, saluting and winking as the _Wildfire_ disappeared off into space. He walked off as if nothing had happened, leaving me to burst into laugher and for the other two to continue trying to realise what had happened. _Mona Stuart, professional matchmaker of fictional characters._ As I sprinted after Lister and caught up to him, I was wearing a rather smug grin.

“I bet that was your doing,” he chuckled, sighing with contentment. “No way Rimmer would do something like that without a wisdom filled talk from someone like you.”

“You're welcome,” I laughed, confirming his theory. “Yeah, we had a little chat. Think it did him the world of good.”

“I'm glad he's okay with who he is before he goes off and tries to pretend to be someone else,” Lister nodded, pulling me into his side for a thankful hug. “Don't know what I'd do without you, kid.”

“Bang the queen in the AR suite, probably.”

 

\---***---

 

 _Starbug_ was understandably quiet once Rimmer left, at least for the first few days. Lister had claimed that it was 'obvious that Ace swung all over the place', shrugging off the kiss they'd shared much to all of our surprise. Cat didn't really have a concept of sexuality, besides knowing that you can mate with females, and of course Kryten was built with knowledge of the diversity of the spectrum, so neither of them were at all judgemental. Just surprised.

I didn't really mention it to Lister again, there wasn't much to say. He had feelings for Rimmer, and while it's true that it's a shame it never really came to anything, it was probably for the best. It would have been one more hurdle for Rimmer to overcome to leave and become the next Ace. Lister seemed content in the knowledge that the feelings had been mutual.

A few days passed and things started to slide into a routine again; in the morning's one of the guys would teach me something new, be that piloting the ship or fixing the pipes. It was always reasonably interesting, especially when it came to flying in the cockpit, and I was learning how to work things at a reasonable speed.

After the mornings lessons was whatever I or Kryten were cooking for lunch, after which I would spend an hour or so just wandering round the ship. It was a fair size, so there was always something new to discover, and it helped me get my bearings. I had no idea exactly how much time passed between the beginning of series seven and the end of it, so I knew I would get myself settled while I had the chance of relative peace.

Our evenings were generally spent in the rec area, playing card games and chatting about anything and everything. Lister was teaching me how to play poker, a game I had a surprising talent for, and by night five I was winning everything he bet.

“Hand it over Listy,” I laughed menacingly, showing my hand in gleeful victory. The man sighed, cursed lightly, and handed me the third can of lager that evening. It was bitter, flat, and a little bit too warm, but booze was booze and winnings were winnings.

“You never should have taught her how to play this,” Cat complained, dealing a new hand. “She's gonna bet us out of house and home.”

“Not my problem you both suck at this,” I grinned mischievously.

“I'll have you know I'm brill at this game, missy,” Lister pronounced scornfully, but with an amused smile on his face.

“You've just been thinking that cause you haven't had any real competition. Then I came along. Now, what have you two got left to bet?”

“No way man, I'm out. You've already got one of my jackets, you are not getting anything else,” Cat sighed, putting his cards down.

“What about you, old man?”

“I 'avnt got nothing left to bet, you thief.”

“I know of one thing you've got,” I grinned, challenging him. “Your guitar, against everything I've already plus a month off chore duties.”

I knew the offer was too good to resist, and Lister was drunk enough by this point to only take a few seconds in deciding to bet his precious instrument. I looked to my cards slowly, then smiled.

“You're bluffing.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

“You are.”

“Am I now?”

I wasn't. When Lister saw my hand, his smile dropped and was replaced with “I've given my baby away in a card game. My precious baby.”

“Don't worry, I'll take good care of her,” I laughed, chugging what was left of the lager. “For once she'll actually get played properly.”

Cat laughed hysterically at my insults as Lister just chuckled and sighed. “You're too smart for your own good, kid.”

“Eh, I try. We done for the night?”

“Yeah, think so. Cat, you up for the first watch? You've already napped twice today.”

“Sure thing buddy,” the feline nodded, before finishing his mug of coffee and heading through to the cockpit. Kryten had already powered down for the night, and so Lister and I tidied away the empty cups and cans, put away the deck of cards, and headed towards the sleeping quarters. He wished me a good night before we parted, going into our own separate rooms, and I was struck by the thought that it must have seemed awfully lonely in there for him. After bunking with Rimmer for near enough six-to-seven years, he was now left with an aching quiet in place of the hologram's complaining. It must have been a real shock to the system.

I didn't sleep much that night, kept dreaming about Alice. I blamed the booze, but really I was starting to get homesick. The initial shock of being in space was starting to wear off slightly, and was being replaced by the wad of knotted up longing in the pit of my stomach that was slowly getting bigger and tighter. I missed my girlfriend, I missed my cat, I even missed the house itself. I wanted my own bed back, the bed that still smelt of the girl thousands of miles away in Berlin, of the girl I loved. I tossed and turned, unable to find comfort or peace in the dark silence, with only the hissing of the pipes to listen to. I wanted to hear her heartbeat next to mine, not the whirring of the engine.

At one point I did almost drift off, but that notion was sent flying as _Starbug_ shook and I was thrown from the bunk, luckily avoiding any damage. My hand was still healing, but it didn't hurt any more than normal as I stood up and tried to recalibrate myself. I threw a large hoodie on over my pyjamas and ran through to the cockpit, where I found Kryten and Lister already investigating.

“What the smeg was that?” Lister asked, as Cat was trying to get the ship back under control.

“We're being pulled down onto that planet, there's something really strong dragging us down,” the pilot relayed, trying his hardest to escape the invisible grip that held onto us. He was fighting with the controls, as Lister and Kryten took their seats and got to work trying to help.

I took what used to be Rimmer's seat – a place I still felt rather uncomfortable sitting – but put my mental morals aside as I operated the scanner in front of me. “I can't see any large structures on the planet, none above ground at least. They must be under.”

“Simulants, GELFs?” Lister questioned.

“Likely the first, sir,” Kryten said, “judging by the technology. I'm engaging the emergency thrusters, that should break us free.”

True to his word, the ship pulled as hard as she could before escaping, all of us jolting back rather suddenly.

“Is that it? Is it gone?” Lister asked.

“Well, technically yes,” I answered.

“What you mean, _technically_?”

“We're not being pulled down to the planet anymore,” I loudly announced, as my tone turned grave. “But now there's a ship coming our way. Fast.”

 


End file.
